Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Paralize My Lips Please...I'm White and I Want To Look Young

As well as having a typical white girl butt, I've also been blessed with white girl lips. My daughter says I have bird lips. I haven't figured out what species of bird, but I know it's not a Toucan. Possibly it's a chicken. Whatever in the hell bird my lips look like, it's got to be one that has a colorful beak because of my constant lipstick obsession.

I'm so old I can still remember when raciest people would make comments if someone had big lips, calling the person something I won't say here, since I despise the word. It wasn't vogue to have luscious lips. Chicken lips were all the rage. It was sociably acceptable to have lips like old cock-a-doodle-do. Don't get me wrong, because I always thought it was insane to judge a person by their lips.....unless perhaps they had crusty sores and froth dripping from them. I might make an exception then, especially if I was being accosted by them.

What in the hell happened to make women think that they needed to "plump up" their lips? I should rephrase that and say "white women". I personally think it was a black sex fairy that came to these women in their dreams and told them to do it because they'd look so good. Unfortunately, these white women didn't realize the fairy was playing some sick joke on them. And what really gets me is these "plumped up" women think they look good and oh so natural. Don't they have friends or loved ones that are close enough to tell them that they look like their lips were caught in the suction hole of a swimming pool for four hours?

If you study a pair of these used to be chicken lips, they no longer have any movement to them. The person can be expressing all sorts of emotions and the lips just stare back at you in this paralyzed and swollen state of pure ugliness. They remind me of what my lips look like just before I go into anaphylaxis shock after ingesting shellfish. Who in their right mind thinks this looks sexy, good or natural? Only some menopausal, white woman who is having trouble dealing with their age. Yes I can say this too because I'm a menopausal, white woman. The only difference is my seed pickers are going to stay looking just they way they are till the band plays Dixie at my funeral.

To add to the disaster, these woman also usually have a hairdo I Dream of Jeanie would be jealous of and their other facial parts are stretched from here to Bangladesh. Then to add the ribbons and bows to the entire package, they're dressed like a twenty year old. I know how these women think, they're thinking everyone is saying "Boy, that woman is hot. She must be twenty. Come on Rob, lets hit on her". In reality everyone is really saying, "Boy, that 50 year old woman looks ridiculous trying to look younger. Her face looks like something out of the movie Swarm. Rob, let's hit her in the throat with your ballpoint pen. I think she's about to go into anaphylaxis shock and will need to breathe out of her windpipe. Her lips are almost covering her nose".

I've walked the planet long enough to see fashion fads come and go and come again. This is one I hope goes and never returns. Unfortunately, for many of these women they will be forever haunted by what looks back at them from the mirror. Their faces and lips are now permanently paralyzed because of constantly searching for that fountain of youth in a scalpel or needle. Chicken lips will soon be all the rage again and there will be this group of women who are forever stuck looking like my Labrador retriever with his head stuck out my car window when I'm doing 65 down the road. At least his face goes back to normal when the car stops.

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