Saturday, October 24, 2009

Jon and Kate....Give me a Fricking Break!

There is no way in hell these two people will ever work out any differences they have between them, with the news people constantly glaring at every move they make. How many couples could survive or even think about ironing out their differences with a T.V. camera stuck down your throat 24 -7? If keeping a working relationship together isn't hard enough in real life, try doing it with eight kids running around and someone reporting on everything you say, do or wear. Yep, they asked for it by becoming public figures, but enough all ready. Kate and Jon give me a fricking break!

I remember seeing her long before they got their show. Her skin was so bagged out from having those kids, she had enough to cover another person. It was a medical special and she got stretched and revamped to look normal again. I admit, it was interesting to see what plastic surgeons could do to a woman who was so stretched out. And Jon......well he struck me as a good, upright man who loved his wife, even if he probably got lost in the folds of skin. Heck, even Kate seemed nice at that time, even a bit humble.

Then the show came.....well, I always thought Kate was a controlling bitch! I hate bitchy women who consume their lives with ordering people around, especially the ones who love them the most. Any of the shows I watched, I always felt sorry for Jon. Yep, I'm a women, but that doesn't mean I side with women just because of that. There are a bunch of women who are wrong in the way they act and their men are right. Some women should not be allowed to keep the kids, just because they are called "mother". There are many times the man can do just as good of a job, or even better.

I was on Jon's side until he became a media feeding shark. I don't care if he started dating someone else. I can only assume being married to a bitch like Kate would make one want to date the German Shepard down the street. Anything would be better that living with her. But then he had to go and ruin it for himself by acting out like an idiot. I lost respect for him because of his stupid moves, not because of his love life. He should have just kept his mouth shut and allowed his bitch wife to just keep being herself. He didn't have to do or say one thing, her mouth and actions spoke for herself. Until he ruined it, I actually felt sorry for him.

Kate and Jon, please just go away and destroy your lives in private. Who really gives a shit anymore? You're old news and the public will soon move on. If Kate gets her own T.V. show, I can't imagine it will last for long. Who gives a crap what she says or can do. She's a bitch. I've never seen friends over to her house. Why.....because she's a bitch and people don't want to be around her. Get a clue woman, raise your kids and stay out of the spotlight.....try being nice. You might actually develop friendships. The kids are still young and you still might have a chance to raise them correctly. Hopefully you teach the girls how not to be like you......a controlling tyrant. They might grow up and actually be able to have good relationships with men.

Jon, you whining little baby.....just shut up! You've ruined it for yourself and you deserve it. If you weren't so stupid, the bitch would have done herself in. The public doesn't care anymore. You both earned a ton of money at the sake of your marriage and family. Be happy and just admit you both screwed things up. It's no longer about her or him, it should be about those eight kids who need parents, despite how much money flows through the house. Turn the cameras off and try to become parents again. Just because you don't live together or even like each other, you both can still be good parents and it takes more than money to accomplish that.

Now that I've had my rant.......Kate and ain't so great...go get a life!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Paralize My Lips Please...I'm White and I Want To Look Young

As well as having a typical white girl butt, I've also been blessed with white girl lips. My daughter says I have bird lips. I haven't figured out what species of bird, but I know it's not a Toucan. Possibly it's a chicken. Whatever in the hell bird my lips look like, it's got to be one that has a colorful beak because of my constant lipstick obsession.

I'm so old I can still remember when raciest people would make comments if someone had big lips, calling the person something I won't say here, since I despise the word. It wasn't vogue to have luscious lips. Chicken lips were all the rage. It was sociably acceptable to have lips like old cock-a-doodle-do. Don't get me wrong, because I always thought it was insane to judge a person by their lips.....unless perhaps they had crusty sores and froth dripping from them. I might make an exception then, especially if I was being accosted by them.

What in the hell happened to make women think that they needed to "plump up" their lips? I should rephrase that and say "white women". I personally think it was a black sex fairy that came to these women in their dreams and told them to do it because they'd look so good. Unfortunately, these white women didn't realize the fairy was playing some sick joke on them. And what really gets me is these "plumped up" women think they look good and oh so natural. Don't they have friends or loved ones that are close enough to tell them that they look like their lips were caught in the suction hole of a swimming pool for four hours?

If you study a pair of these used to be chicken lips, they no longer have any movement to them. The person can be expressing all sorts of emotions and the lips just stare back at you in this paralyzed and swollen state of pure ugliness. They remind me of what my lips look like just before I go into anaphylaxis shock after ingesting shellfish. Who in their right mind thinks this looks sexy, good or natural? Only some menopausal, white woman who is having trouble dealing with their age. Yes I can say this too because I'm a menopausal, white woman. The only difference is my seed pickers are going to stay looking just they way they are till the band plays Dixie at my funeral.

To add to the disaster, these woman also usually have a hairdo I Dream of Jeanie would be jealous of and their other facial parts are stretched from here to Bangladesh. Then to add the ribbons and bows to the entire package, they're dressed like a twenty year old. I know how these women think, they're thinking everyone is saying "Boy, that woman is hot. She must be twenty. Come on Rob, lets hit on her". In reality everyone is really saying, "Boy, that 50 year old woman looks ridiculous trying to look younger. Her face looks like something out of the movie Swarm. Rob, let's hit her in the throat with your ballpoint pen. I think she's about to go into anaphylaxis shock and will need to breathe out of her windpipe. Her lips are almost covering her nose".

I've walked the planet long enough to see fashion fads come and go and come again. This is one I hope goes and never returns. Unfortunately, for many of these women they will be forever haunted by what looks back at them from the mirror. Their faces and lips are now permanently paralyzed because of constantly searching for that fountain of youth in a scalpel or needle. Chicken lips will soon be all the rage again and there will be this group of women who are forever stuck looking like my Labrador retriever with his head stuck out my car window when I'm doing 65 down the road. At least his face goes back to normal when the car stops.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Tumor Girl The Squirrel Lives!

Yes, you are probably wondering who the hell tumor girl is, aren't you? Well this is another squirrel story, though this isn't quite as dreadful as old "pop eye". As everyone probably knows already, my backyard and back porch are like a wildlife viewing area. All the varmints know when I arrive home and they congregate on the back porch waiting for me to give them food. If it wasn't bad enough to train my own dogs to train me, I've also trained the wildlife population around my house, both furred and feathered, to control me by feeding them on demand.

My girlfriend was over the other day and she was amazed. I'd just gotten home and she walked over. On the back porch I had several squirrels attached to the screen door, six or seven more waiting patiently for me by the sliding glass door, blue jays, doves and a rabbit. They all showed up within minutes of each other, waiting for their hand outs. Which makes me get off subject for a moment, but you would expect nothing less of me, if all those bastards can get along even if it's only at the dinner table, why in the hell can't we? Now back to my original ramblings.

Tumor girl, yes old tumor girl. I had this young female squirrel who started having this knot appear on her belly. At first I thought she'd been raped too young by the neighborhood tree gang, but then I knew it was something else. The knot grew out on the right side of her belly. Over about four weeks the thing had turned into the size of a tennis ball. The poor thing kept showing up to eat, but I was starting to see her bone structure. She looked so damn weak and this huge ball she was carrying around was definitely hindering her ability to walk or climb.

The last I'd seen of her was two weeks ago. She showed up and her poor little white belly was so stretched it had begun to turn purple. She ate her peanuts but I could see she visibly didn't feel well. I mean hell, it would be like having a basketball but bigger, injected into our ribcage. She was so bony looking. Then tumor girl didn't come back for almost a week and when she did, I felt horrible for her.

I figured whatever it was must have been like a cyst and had burst. There was this saggy skin where the huge ball had been and a large open hole. She was now really skinny but came to eat peanuts after all the other squirrels had left. I gave her extra, watching her chip away at the shell, quickly eating the meat inside. She must have eaten six before she'd had enough and left. I didn't think things still looked good for her. I couldn't believe she'd survived the cyst and then to survive the bursting of it. Post infection would now be her biggest enemy. I figured she'd now die because the big gaping hole would cause her to get an infection and die.

She showed back up yesterday, almost a week since I'd last seen her. Her hole was now closed and the spot was nearly healed. She looked as if she'd put on weight and was on the mend. I think I'll always have a special place in my heart for tumor girl and that's what she'll always be called. I don't believe the area will totally heal and she'll carry a scar, but what a tough little lady this squirrel was. I hope my daily handouts helped her through. It feels good knowing my human intervention can sometimes help nature thrive in my little piece of paradise. Tumor girl, you rock!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Baby Raccoons Search For Mother

Yes, get prepared. I've got one more serious animal adventure on my mind......

Approximately four years ago I was driving down our long, mostly lonesome and still wild, beach road when I came across a family of raccoons. There were three young coons, probably only a few months old and one mother. The problem was, they were all dead on the highway, lying in a tidy little group as if they'd committed suicide together. I knew this wasn't what happened because I know raccoons. The family sticks together, much like fifty percent of human families do. Mother coons are terrific in their mothering skills and faithfulness to their children. They're fierce fighters and will protect their children against a bobcat.

I could only imagine the scene in my coon isn't listening to mom and runs out into the road in front of the car. Mom runs out to grab the little shit. Mother and baby get killed. The other two babies wanting to find their family, go out into the road to check on them. They won't leave their mother, even if she's dead. They're too young and the family who rips open peoples trash cans together, stays together. It's only natural everyone in the brood was killed. It was a scene that will stick with me forever.

Today my hubby is driving down the same road and in about the same place mother coon is dead on the side of the road and unfortunately, the buzzards have already arrived. There are three young babies running in their little group back and forth across the road, looking scared and lost. There's nothing they can do but run around by their mother. My hubby is as sick minded and just as much an animal lover as me...his mind figured out the scenario just like I would have.

I could only imagine their horror, one probably screwed up and wasn't watching the road and mom got killed trying to protect him. Now they're young and alone and mom's dead on the side of the road. Then it must be horrible seeing the garbage crew come in and start digesting mom before your eyes and you're too young to totally understand enemies and how nature works. And you damn well don't realize these weird metal objects going down the road will run your ass over.

Which once again brings me back to people who don't believe animals have souls, feelings, reasoning abilities or feelings of loyalty and love. When scenes like this are being witnessed by people every day, scenes of animals showing true devotion and the ability to reason a situation out. As far as I'm concerned, they have the same feelings toward their children as most of us do and they grieve when a love one is hurt or injured. Heck, the other day a girlfriend of mine actually fed a wild gopher tortoise some lettuce, that just came wandering by. The damn thing ate right from her hands several mouthfulls and then took off back on his trek to god only knows where. He actually noticed a truck coming down the road and tried to get out of its way. I was always told they were "stupid" animals. The tortoise didn't seem too stupid to me.

If we could talk to the animals I wonder if they'd even give us the time of day.....we damn well wouldn't want to hear what most of them would have to say to us.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Devotion of a Dog

And on a more serious note.....

I'm a sucker for an animal story. Whether it's sad, happy or inspirational, a tale about an animal will get my attention every time. Tell me a good dog story and my ear is really turned in your direction. You see, I think dogs are one of the smartest creatures walking the earth. Why, you may say? Well, they've totally figured mankind out and what it takes to have us under their spell. They can work us to the point we wait on them, cook for them, house them, entertain them, buy them friends, clothes, beds, pedicures, hairstylists, give them vacations and a wealth of other things, but best of all, we absolutely love being under their thumbs. Pretty damn smart if you ask me.

Now I come to another fascinating dog story of how they return their thanks by giving us an undivided loyalty that we will never find in another human, including our mother. There was a car accident and a family of five was involved. The car flipped numerous times and everyone inside of the vehicle was alive but injured badly. The damage was so bad everyone figured the family pet, a rottweiler, had perished in the crash. The dog could not be found in either the wreckage or the surrounding woods. After several weeks it was assumed the poor dog had been fatally wounded in the crash and had taken itself to the woods to die. The hospitalized family could do no more than grieve the loss of their family friend.

In the meantime, a lady who rescues stray pets, was driving down the crash road and came upon an emaciated rottweiler standing on the side of the road, looking lost and frightened. She pulled over and to her surprise the dog comes to her. The lady could instantly see the dog belonged to someone just from her demeanor. Getting out of the car she goes to the side of the road where the dog had been standing and sees this little pile of papers, a shoe and other personal belongings neatly together.

She suddenly remembers the horrible crash that had happened there weeks before. In the pile she finds a weathered tablet of paper with the owners insurance information on it. The lady is instantly sure this is the family dog that nobody ever found. Here the dog waited, the last known place of his family and having experienced first hand the terrible trauma of that night. The dog had neatly gathered his family's personal effects and stacked them all together in a neat little pile....patiently waiting for them to come back and get him.

The lady got in touch with the owners who were overjoyed by the find. Unfortunately, while they were hospitalized they lost their home and now are living in an apartment that does not allow pets. The lady who rescued the dear dog has agreed to house him until the family can move to a place where he can finally come home.

And some people think dogs are stupid and don't feel or think things out. Just a bunch of dumb asses if you ask me. Obviously this dog was driven by something emotionally deeper than his next meal. Could it be a love so deep that we as humans will never understand because we aren't capable of loving in such as way? I don't know, but I do know one thing....dogs rock and they're some of the most brilliant people I know. Their friendship is mine with no strings attached.

As an Indian creation story goes......when God made the earth he decided to place man in charge of it. He split the ground, leaving all the other animals on one side and man standing on the other, alone. As the earth split and a great divide began to form between the two sides, dog jumped across and stood by man's side...and that's where he still stands today.