Monday, June 29, 2009

Alli - The Shit Your Pants Diet Plan

It cracks me up to think of the extremes some people will go through just to lose weight. This new Alli diet program really has me scratching my head. I wonder about all the women who are taking it (most of them in their 20s & 30s) and about the true intelligence of our government in allowing this product to be sold over the counter as a dietary aid. Just reading the package would steer me clear of the pun on words intended.

“You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it’s probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work.”
“You may not usually get gassy, but it’s a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens

When I was in my 20s and 30s, worrying about shitting my pants or cutting a fart that would end in me feeling like a chocolate Easter bunny just melted in my drawers, was the last thing I wanted to do. If this was happening in my life, I stayed home. Jesus could have come to town and I'd been home sitting on the toilet, praying for it to end. Being a child of the 70s, if we wanted to shit our brains out to lose weight, we took a laxative and at a 16th of the cost! We also took speed, a real diet pill. You weren't hungry and you burned off 40,000 calories a day by moving at the speed of light. You also had the cleanest house on the block. Poof...the weight went away and you didn't have to buy a new wardrobe of drawers to wear because your old ones had poop stains in them, or because the diet plan calls for dark pants and you only own shorts or light colored ones.
My daughters friends tried Alli and their reports made me laugh till I thought I'd naturally shit my pants. Each one said they'd be standing in a check-out line and poop would suddenly start pouring down their legs. Farting became a nightmarish thing, because 99% of the time it meant you were going to have some more poop running down your legs. And sex...well that's a running subject all to its own. Who in the hell pays $50 to puposely have their poop pour down their legs in public and without a moments warning? Not women of the 70s, that's for sure.
And why in the hell would any government agency think that a product that makes a person shit their brains out like an organ grinder monkey dances for coins, would be good for you? So you're losing fat by pooping it out...I bet you'll also see your large intestine peeking its tubular head out and saying hello before long, along with its buddy Mr. Colon. Why would anybody want to go on a diet like this anyway? Most people I know who want to lose weight aren't going to be able to stick to a strictly lettuce diet anyway. I guess we could join a support group for women shitting and farting their weight away in one sitting.
And there is the key to the whole Alli diet. It basically intimidates you into eating right. It's like the Godfather of Shit comes to you and makes you a true offer you can't refuse and if you're in a shit lot of trouble. You will only eat lettuce and you will like it, otherwise, have a shit explosion in public. I know I'm getting old and crazy, but it still seems to me taking speed would be so much better than shitting all the time. Just think of the clean homes this country would be full of...

Friday, June 26, 2009

The Country Should Miss Michael Jackson

The death of Michael Jackson got me to thinking. This guy was three months younger than I and had been a part of my life in some way since 6th grade. I remember dancing in the gym changing room to "Stop the Love You Save May Be Your Own". Everybody loved the Jackson Five. Even my parents would sit down and watch their show every week. It was a family affair. Of course, most of the girls I knew thought Jermaine was cuter.

The Jackson family is definitely blessed with talent that is for sure. Nobody black, white, green or purple will more than likely dispute this fact. Michael was gifted beyond what most ordinary people can probably even conceive. He also had a knack for least most of his life. I'm sure everyone can name some singer they think is the greatest on earth, but I can only think of two in my lifetime that worked the industry in their favor and also won the and white. Elvis and Michael Jackson.

Both became quite rich off their careers and each was talented beyond the norm and the public loved them. Each man had an almost obsessive fan base that loved them normal, drunk, stoned or just plain weird. Each man lived a life that drastically changed over the years and it wasn't for the better. Michael whether disease ridden or not, didn't look anything like the Michael we loved in 6th grade when he died. He looked like some monster I watch in my weekly horror movies. Definitely not a man I'd leave my young child, husband, grandparents or pets around.

The majority of the United States pulled together through these Michael Jackson years, agreeing on something at last.....the dude was pretty fucked up looking, he acted pretty fucked up, his relationships with little boys seemed pretty fucked up and only a stoned person would believe they could live in a perpetual fairy tale, thus the name "Never never land"...he was fucked up!

Still, we as nation laughed together over these "white to whiter" years of Michael. Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, Asians and every nationality alike could laugh at the joke together. Children would show up at your door at Halloween sporting a rotted off Michael Jackson nose. He gave us something to enjoy together...a good laugh at someone else. No matter how righteous we try to make everyone think we are, we all love to laugh at someone else and their screwed up state and know everyone else is in on the joke too. We could do this with Michael Jackson--the nation was one. He did something the Democrats and Republicans have been trying to do for decades. I thought he was a freak but Michael you get my vote for being able to do this. Hell, he brought the North and the South together at last!

Regardless of his decaying face and life, the man could dance and sing. His song writing and choreography skills were amazing. I will miss him and the wait to hear his next song and to see if he ever straightened his life back out. I always was rooting for him, even if I was laughing my ass off with everyone else and thought he should definitely stay away from small boys. He will be missed and and a little laughter will be snubbed out of our world. I will also be left wondering...didn't he realize he was starting to look like a freak years ago and what in the hell was up with that nose?