Thursday, September 3, 2009

Not Fit For Human Consumption

Menopause....a battle of wills I'm determined to win! I'm not Catholic but I do have a saint I truly believe in and wouldn't go into battle without.....St. Johns Wort. I am a worshiper of old St. John and the miracle that he can perform on a half crazed woman. It's truly like manna from the gods when I pop that clear little capsule filled with some green chopped up grassy looking stuff. I feel like the blind person when they cried "once I was blind but now I can see". I'm only crying out "once I was insane and now I'm ready for the human population".

Hormones are a funny thing and you'd think after years of donating enough blood to the sewer systems of the world to start my own blood bank, I'd be over this mess. Not. It's almost like an exorcism and when the demon finally begins to loose the battle and leave the body, they become worse and put up a horrific fight. This is what middle aged old lady getting out of the breeding arena hormones feel like. It's like you are going crazy but you're not. You're not crazy because you know you are going crazy. Sounds crazy I know but that's what it's like.

Lately I've not been fit for human consumption, even my own. Hell, I even can't stand to be around myself and would leave if I could. How in the hell my family has stood me I don't know. I think I scare the shit out of them so they just bow and smile and pray like hell they aren't on my hit list. I guess hormones are good for one thing--people will think twice before fucking with you while you're under the influence. There are always those who will try their luck though. My house has learned to just bow and smile. It's safer for them and me if they remain in the humble position. Even the dogs are suddenly starting to act like Caesar Milan had trained them. It's funny how a crazed woman can get things to obey her, unlike when she's in her natural nice and charming state. Did I mention I'm normally and naturally nice and charming....and I always have my lipstick on.

I need to do research but I feel that when I'm losing my mind with the hormones and feel like Godzilla with rabies, I've got too much testosterone flowing through me. I can't help but wonder is this why men are so damn difficult at times....too much testosterone. If that's what it feels like being a man, hell, I don't ever want to be one. I'll keep working on my blood bank any day.

I must admit it's a horrible feeling and I'm thankful that large doses of St. John and his worts seem to bring me back down to earth. I never desired to take to the air so being forced into a time continuum of craziness is horrid. I wonder how many women out there are acting crazy, grouchy and insane due to their hormones and they don't realize it. They are just so used to being crazy that they continue to accept the condition. Not me, bring me back to my normal state of insanity any day. At least when I'm in a normal state of confusion I'm usually in a good mood, laugh, dance, try to sing and have a knack to irritate everyone. Give me irritation through good mood any day over irritation due to fear for their lives.

Women, worship the wort because it works. Before you know it you'll be your old usually irritating self again. Your family won't listen to you, nor will the dogs. Everyone will regain their usual "fuck with you" attitude and you'll be just fine with it. You'll pull out your lipstick and put on a fresh coat and just sit back and smile. You might not be happy with it but it's better than going to jail on manslaughter charges, which was where I was heading. I can read the headlines now "Woman Pleads Insanity Due to Being Under the Influence of Hormones". Sad but it would be true.

To all who know me, it's safe to return to the interior of my world. I'm ok now or as ok as I'll ever be. Don't expect a miracle to have happened. I'm still the same person I was....irritating and silly and bound to have a sick joke or two in my pocket but I won't kill you. The gods and Ms. Menopause only know how long my rehabilitation process will last but the signs will be there when I start to go insane again. Look for the hairy growth forming on my face and ears, fangs developing and saliva dripping down my chin and the dagger should be a dead give away that it's no longer safe to enter the zone........and my lipstick will be smeared. If you're smart-hit me with a dart of worts and I'll be find in 48 hours.

Excuse me while I lay down and worship St. John and all his worts.

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