Monday, June 29, 2009

Alli - The Shit Your Pants Diet Plan


It cracks me up to think of the extremes some people will go through just to lose weight. This new Alli diet program really has me scratching my head. I wonder about all the women who are taking it (most of them in their 20s & 30s) and about the true intelligence of our government in allowing this product to be sold over the counter as a dietary aid. Just reading the package would steer me clear of the shit....no pun on words intended.

“You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it’s probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work.”
“You may not usually get gassy, but it’s a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens

When I was in my 20s and 30s, worrying about shitting my pants or cutting a fart that would end in me feeling like a chocolate Easter bunny just melted in my drawers, was the last thing I wanted to do. If this was happening in my life, I stayed home. Jesus could have come to town and I'd been home sitting on the toilet, praying for it to end. Being a child of the 70s, if we wanted to shit our brains out to lose weight, we took a laxative and at a 16th of the cost! We also took speed, a real diet pill. You weren't hungry and you burned off 40,000 calories a day by moving at the speed of light. You also had the cleanest house on the block. Poof...the weight went away and you didn't have to buy a new wardrobe of drawers to wear because your old ones had poop stains in them, or because the diet plan calls for dark pants and you only own shorts or light colored ones.
My daughters friends tried Alli and their reports made me laugh till I thought I'd naturally shit my pants. Each one said they'd be standing in a check-out line and poop would suddenly start pouring down their legs. Farting became a nightmarish thing, because 99% of the time it meant you were going to have some more poop running down your legs. And sex...well that's a running subject all to its own. Who in the hell pays $50 to puposely have their poop pour down their legs in public and without a moments warning? Not women of the 70s, that's for sure.
And why in the hell would any government agency think that a product that makes a person shit their brains out like an organ grinder monkey dances for coins, would be good for you? So you're losing fat by pooping it out...I bet you'll also see your large intestine peeking its tubular head out and saying hello before long, along with its buddy Mr. Colon. Why would anybody want to go on a diet like this anyway? Most people I know who want to lose weight aren't going to be able to stick to a strictly lettuce diet anyway. I guess we could join a support group for women shitting and farting their weight away in one sitting.
And there is the key to the whole Alli diet. It basically intimidates you into eating right. It's like the Godfather of Shit comes to you and makes you a true offer you can't refuse and if you do...you're in a shit lot of trouble. You will only eat lettuce and you will like it, otherwise, have a shit explosion in public. I know I'm getting old and crazy, but it still seems to me taking speed would be so much better than shitting all the time. Just think of the clean homes this country would be full of...



7 comments:

beyondtourism said...

I knew there had to be a catch to that Alli plan. Man how can a person even think they will be able to function with side effects like that.

"Oh hey, there's poop on your leg"
"Yeah, it's this new diet I'm on."

spamwarrior said...

Ewwwwwwwww...

speechless...

Permission to link to your blog in one of my blog posts?

spamwarrior said...

btw forgot to add that this diet really sounds like a laxative or one of those things that are supposed to make you poop better. That can't be good for you.

Diana said...

*rolling on the floor laughing my ass off*

*gasping*

Thanks for the laugh.

Diana

Anonymous said...

I didnt do my research when I purchased this diet pill. The only thing that caught my eye was that it was FDA approved. So I went to Walgreens and spent 67.00 on this stuff. This morning I woke up and I was smelling poop all morning. I gave my 5year old a shower because I thought it was him but when I went to get undress to take my shower, I realize I had sharted on myself. I threw away my pjs and underwear. I was so embarrasses

Anonymous said...

WOW, this is one diet I haven't tried, but I think I've already lost at least a pound from laughing my ass off at this post! Thanks so much for the heads-up, O Florida blog author. Nice pix too ...

Anonymous said...

This is one diet I haven't tried, although I think I lost at least a pound just from laughing my ass off at this post! Thanks for the heads-up, O Florida blog author! Nice pix too ...

Happy New Year!
Snow-country anal-retentive