"Wings of Eagles" or "Replay of Hitler"

Last night around midnight I'm flipping through the channels (after watching "The Blood Book") checking to see if anything looked interesting before I went to sleep. I generally flip right on through the Christian channels, but last night one channel stopped me dead in my tracks. After watching a really bloody horror movie, I thought for one moment I had been transferred into an episode of the Twilight Zone and this wasn't really reality anymore.

This show or should I say infomercial, was on and here were these "men of the lord" (I use that term loosely) like Jerry Falwell and Pat Boone and a bunch of other Podunk sounding men pushing this program "Wings of Eagles". The program asks for people to hurry and call this number (1-800-434-2003) and donate money to send a Jew back home to Israel. For $350 you can send one Jew home, $700 will send a couple to Israel and at the bargain price of $1400 you can send a whole damn family of Jews back to Israel. I kid you not.

I was instantly glued to this program because I felt like I was listening to some shit Hitler would say, except in such a nice sounding voice laced with religion. These people kept saying "This program is a modern day fulfillment of biblical prophecy, We are reaching out and showing the Jews our love by sending them back to Israel, Get them out of the Soviet Union and other countries before genocide happens." Then a man comes on and says that this year for Christmas instead of giving presents to his kids, the whole family is going to pitch in and send a Jew back home. The clincher was "Hurry and call now before the gates close and no more can be sent home" and "We accept the following credit cards".

I felt like making a phone call to Israel and telling them to turn on channel 4 and close their damn gates now. Of course, you didn't know what these people were really saying, or where they were from, but a sweet (very sweet) man's voice told you what these people were suppose to be saying. Of course all were so thankful to be sent to Israel....or at least that's what "sweet man" told you they said.

Then I took a good look at these people...physically and mentally disabled people and senior citizens that looked like they had one foot on a banana peel, homeless people and god only knows where they were really from. Don't get me wrong, I don't have one thing against physically or mentally disabled people and the senior years are knocking on my door, but sweet Jesus, why in the hell would Israel allow a pilgrimage of people into their country to live, that will drain their financial and medical resources to death? I mean, isn't that damn country something like 30 miles long? And why in the hell are these evangelical preachers in the U.S. trying to send all these handicapped and old, homeless Jews to Israel in the first place? It's not their home.

The whole program to me was pure racism with a fresh coat of pearly lipstick applied, so you hopefully didn't notice the prejudice. It made me think that these are the people in our country crying out for "family values" and trying damn hard to take my freedoms away that people died to achieve. Do these people really know anything about humanitarian values, or what God and Jesus are supposed to be about? I think not....at least not the God I believe in.

This whole show was disgusting and reminded me how easily we can walk back down the path of history. WWII should have taught the whole world a lesson, but it didn't. Of course the people on this show and those who think this is a good thing, would disagree with me, but I will never follow a belief system, or a group of people that so blatantly rejoice in creating fear, stealing money and believing in hatred under the cloak of God. Leave the fricking Jews alone. If they want to go back to Israel, they'll go on their own. Get a clue, if they're born in Sacramento and live in Montana, going to Israel is not "going home". Just because I've got German in me, doesn't mean I should be sent to Bavaria because it's my home. I thought the U.S. loved Israel because we're always kissing it's ass. So why in the hell would we send them a bunch of nonfunctioning members of society and clutter up their small country with needy cases?

The message to me was "Get rid of the Jews once and for all and send them to Israel. Hell, we want you gone so bad, we'll buy you the ticket". As I looked at that cross I kept imagining it twisting and turning quite easily into a swastika. Whoever these people are, they aren't godly and if they are, well, I think I'll just stick with my god. Wherever they're going doesn't seem like it will be filled with a lot of nice people anyway. Not my kind of place.

What I wouldn't give to have Jesus call the number and request a ticket. After all, he was a Jew. I'd love to hear him say "later white boy, you want me gone and out of your life, well say bye, bye. Don't worry about those boils, pustules and locust, it's just a little plague for your godless asses. Just be thankful I didn't turn your asses into a pillar of salt and flavor my margarita with you and then piss you out on the ground".

Paralize My Lips Please...I'm White and I Want To Look Young

As well as having a typical white girl butt, I've also been blessed with white girl lips. My daughter says I have bird lips. I haven't figured out what species of bird, but I know it's not a Toucan. Possibly it's a chicken. Whatever in the hell bird my lips look like, it's got to be one that has a colorful beak because of my constant lipstick obsession.

I'm so old I can still remember when raciest people would make comments if someone had big lips, calling the person something I won't say here, since I despise the word. It wasn't vogue to have luscious lips. Chicken lips were all the rage. It was sociably acceptable to have lips like old cock-a-doodle-do. Don't get me wrong, because I always thought it was insane to judge a person by their lips.....unless perhaps they had crusty sores and froth dripping from them. I might make an exception then, especially if I was being accosted by them.

What in the hell happened to make women think that they needed to "plump up" their lips? I should rephrase that and say "white women". I personally think it was a black sex fairy that came to these women in their dreams and told them to do it because they'd look so good. Unfortunately, these white women didn't realize the fairy was playing some sick joke on them. And what really gets me is these "plumped up" women think they look good and oh so natural. Don't they have friends or loved ones that are close enough to tell them that they look like their lips were caught in the suction hole of a swimming pool for four hours?

If you study a pair of these used to be chicken lips, they no longer have any movement to them. The person can be expressing all sorts of emotions and the lips just stare back at you in this paralyzed and swollen state of pure ugliness. They remind me of what my lips look like just before I go into anaphylaxis shock after ingesting shellfish. Who in their right mind thinks this looks sexy, good or natural? Only some menopausal, white woman who is having trouble dealing with their age. Yes I can say this too because I'm a menopausal, white woman. The only difference is my seed pickers are going to stay looking just they way they are till the band plays Dixie at my funeral.

To add to the disaster, these woman also usually have a hairdo I Dream of Jeanie would be jealous of and their other facial parts are stretched from here to Bangladesh. Then to add the ribbons and bows to the entire package, they're dressed like a twenty year old. I know how these women think, they're thinking everyone is saying "Boy, that woman is hot. She must be twenty. Come on Rob, lets hit on her". In reality everyone is really saying, "Boy, that 50 year old woman looks ridiculous trying to look younger. Her face looks like something out of the movie Swarm. Rob, let's hit her in the throat with your ballpoint pen. I think she's about to go into anaphylaxis shock and will need to breathe out of her windpipe. Her lips are almost covering her nose".

I've walked the planet long enough to see fashion fads come and go and come again. This is one I hope goes and never returns. Unfortunately, for many of these women they will be forever haunted by what looks back at them from the mirror. Their faces and lips are now permanently paralyzed because of constantly searching for that fountain of youth in a scalpel or needle. Chicken lips will soon be all the rage again and there will be this group of women who are forever stuck looking like my Labrador retriever with his head stuck out my car window when I'm doing 65 down the road. At least his face goes back to normal when the car stops.

Baby Raccoons Search For Mother

Yes, get prepared. I've got one more serious animal adventure on my mind......

Approximately four years ago I was driving down our long, mostly lonesome and still wild, beach road when I came across a family of raccoons. There were three young coons, probably only a few months old and one mother. The problem was, they were all dead on the highway, lying in a tidy little group as if they'd committed suicide together. I knew this wasn't what happened because I know raccoons. The family sticks together, much like fifty percent of human families do. Mother coons are terrific in their mothering skills and faithfulness to their children. They're fierce fighters and will protect their children against a bobcat.

I could only imagine the scene in my mind......baby coon isn't listening to mom and runs out into the road in front of the car. Mom runs out to grab the little shit. Mother and baby get killed. The other two babies wanting to find their family, go out into the road to check on them. They won't leave their mother, even if she's dead. They're too young and the family who rips open peoples trash cans together, stays together. It's only natural everyone in the brood was killed. It was a scene that will stick with me forever.

Today my hubby is driving down the same road and in about the same place mother coon is dead on the side of the road and unfortunately, the buzzards have already arrived. There are three young babies running in their little group back and forth across the road, looking scared and lost. There's nothing they can do but run around by their mother. My hubby is as sick minded and just as much an animal lover as me...his mind figured out the scenario just like I would have.

I could only imagine their horror, one probably screwed up and wasn't watching the road and mom got killed trying to protect him. Now they're young and alone and mom's dead on the side of the road. Then it must be horrible seeing the garbage crew come in and start digesting mom before your eyes and you're too young to totally understand enemies and how nature works. And you damn well don't realize these weird metal objects going down the road will run your ass over.

Which once again brings me back to people who don't believe animals have souls, feelings, reasoning abilities or feelings of loyalty and love. When scenes like this are being witnessed by people every day, scenes of animals showing true devotion and the ability to reason a situation out. As far as I'm concerned, they have the same feelings toward their children as most of us do and they grieve when a love one is hurt or injured. Heck, the other day a girlfriend of mine actually fed a wild gopher tortoise some lettuce, that just came wandering by. The damn thing ate right from her hands several mouthfulls and then took off back on his trek to god only knows where. He actually noticed a truck coming down the road and tried to get out of its way. I was always told they were "stupid" animals. The tortoise didn't seem too stupid to me.

If we could talk to the animals I wonder if they'd even give us the time of day.....we damn well wouldn't want to hear what most of them would have to say to us.

Devotion of a Dog

And on a more serious note.....

I'm a sucker for an animal story. Whether it's sad, happy or inspirational, a tale about an animal will get my attention every time. Tell me a good dog story and my ear is really turned in your direction. You see, I think dogs are one of the smartest creatures walking the earth. Why, you may say? Well, they've totally figured mankind out and what it takes to have us under their spell. They can work us to the point we wait on them, cook for them, house them, entertain them, buy them friends, clothes, beds, pedicures, hairstylists, give them vacations and a wealth of other things, but best of all, we absolutely love being under their thumbs. Pretty damn smart if you ask me.

Now I come to another fascinating dog story of how they return their thanks by giving us an undivided loyalty that we will never find in another human, including our mother. There was a car accident and a family of five was involved. The car flipped numerous times and everyone inside of the vehicle was alive but injured badly. The damage was so bad everyone figured the family pet, a rottweiler, had perished in the crash. The dog could not be found in either the wreckage or the surrounding woods. After several weeks it was assumed the poor dog had been fatally wounded in the crash and had taken itself to the woods to die. The hospitalized family could do no more than grieve the loss of their family friend.

In the meantime, a lady who rescues stray pets, was driving down the crash road and came upon an emaciated rottweiler standing on the side of the road, looking lost and frightened. She pulled over and to her surprise the dog comes to her. The lady could instantly see the dog belonged to someone just from her demeanor. Getting out of the car she goes to the side of the road where the dog had been standing and sees this little pile of papers, a shoe and other personal belongings neatly together.

She suddenly remembers the horrible crash that had happened there weeks before. In the pile she finds a weathered tablet of paper with the owners insurance information on it. The lady is instantly sure this is the family dog that nobody ever found. Here the dog waited, the last known place of his family and having experienced first hand the terrible trauma of that night. The dog had neatly gathered his family's personal effects and stacked them all together in a neat little pile....patiently waiting for them to come back and get him.

The lady got in touch with the owners who were overjoyed by the find. Unfortunately, while they were hospitalized they lost their home and now are living in an apartment that does not allow pets. The lady who rescued the dear dog has agreed to house him until the family can move to a place where he can finally come home.

And some people think dogs are stupid and don't feel or think things out. Just a bunch of dumb asses if you ask me. Obviously this dog was driven by something emotionally deeper than his next meal. Could it be a love so deep that we as humans will never understand because we aren't capable of loving in such as way? I don't know, but I do know one thing....dogs rock and they're some of the most brilliant people I know. Their friendship is mine with no strings attached.

As an Indian creation story goes......when God made the earth he decided to place man in charge of it. He split the ground, leaving all the other animals on one side and man standing on the other, alone. As the earth split and a great divide began to form between the two sides, dog jumped across and stood by man's side...and that's where he still stands today.

Mr. Manatee appearing with Oscar and Roy

I must admit that I've seen and done many things in this life of mine, but my daughter is bringing me into a whole new world of "icky". I must admit her new hospital job is only confirming everything I've always known all these years about men.....they love to show off the family jewel kit. Unfortunately, it seems like it's the middle aged men with goat balls that really like to show their package. I mean doesn't every young woman want to gaze upon 50 and 60 year old dicks and balls? Men, I just love them. No matter how old they get they've still got the ego to think they've got the greatest looking pole and sinkers anyone could ever want.

I've been laughing weekly since her hospital job started. My husband, well I think he's slightly embarrassed to hear these stories from his daughter, but secretly he's thinking he's holding a great looking package too-- despite the effects of gravity. Her latest experience involved a middle aged man with lymphoma of the dick. I thought I knew about stuff, but I'd never considered lymphoma in the dick. Personally, I think men created this disease for themselves.

In she walks and there's this dude that's hung like a manatee and of course he's airing the salty dog out. From the description of things, the manatee would probably be jealous. Job duty of the day: massage the manatee dick to get the circulation going and reduce the swelling. I know I'm not the fastest squirrel up the tree, but I figured this was a hopeless treatment process...at least if man's physiology works like it used to. Massaging manatee dick will increase circulation and will also increase the swelling, thus causing fluid to be excreted through the orifices of that region of the body. Result: treatment failed and will need to be repeated three times per day for the rest of the fucker's life.

I can't imagine this guy will ever want to leave the hospital or the care of his certain P.T.A. He must have good insurance to get this treatment in the first place, so he might be able to ride out a few more months. I know my old man and if he was getting a daily massage of the grand old master manatee, he'd set up permanent residence inside of the hospital. He'd cause swelling just to get the physical therapy massage.

Which brings me to another subject, I had no idea Physical Therapists worked your manatee back into fighting form. I figured they just moved muscles and bones on your arms, legs and back. I didn't realize they had to doctor on the man's main muscle....and no I'm not talking about his heart. The manatee muscle and his oyster buddies Oscar and Roy. I don't know, but this sure brought the meaning of "icky" to a whole new level. I must say one thing...prostitutes in the hood are probably bringing in more money working on lymphatic dicks than a college graduate does. At least they know they can get a hospital job one day if they need it. They'll have experience.

Oh well, I thought I'd share that little tid bit of information. Makes one want to run right out and get a P.T.A. degree doesn't it? Which reminds me....manatee, Oscar and Roy's initials are MOR, which is exactly what the patient is yelling during the massage..."mor, mor, mor"......

War...The Silent Killer

Yesterday I found out that a friend and past co-worker committed suicide because he no longer could handle the nightly nightmares of his experience fighting in someone else's war. This was a gentle man, as well as a gentleman and I could never imagine him killing. Evidently the forced killing and sights he was forced to endure was the final killer in the war he continued to endure in his soul and mind for the past thirty years. It was a sad end to a man who offered so much to this society, his family, friends and world. War had claimed another victim.

It was comfort tinged with sadness to know he spoke of my husband many times before his demise, speaking of what a good man, friend and talented man he was. It broke my heart knowing this because he was a man, his pride probably didn't allow him to express these nightmares and terrors he had to another man. Men live with this thing called pride and ego and to let go of one ounce of it in front of another man can be suicide to your manly self esteem. Men are raised to be tough and not show their emotions because it is a sign of weakness. We have raised them to believe that they are less if they show they feel, care and are down right scared of a situation.

How he died saddened me even more and made me try to imagine the nightmares this man must have had. Setting yourself on fire and burning up in the backyard is unimaginable to me and probably to most. God only knows what this man's dreams were filled with. Vietnam was a worthless war of wasted lives filled with much more terror than this war we are forced to endure now. The Vietnamese were ruthless fighters and they had the jungle as their protection. Every man I ever knew who fought in that war could never talk about what they experienced and almost all were screwed up in some way or the other. Victims of war as I see it. Our country's attempt to force another people into submission to our ways, like most of our wars are about.

I hate war and I hate the fact the United States feels it has to force everyone to be democratic or believe in Jesus. We are truly the bully on the block for the other nations of the world. We don't care how many young men's lives we screw up or take to try to accomplish this fact. We don't care that almost everyone in the world hates us and sees us for what we are. Sure, we might come on the promise of rescuing you from terrorists but the price you pay will be high. You better turn your shawls in for a crown of thorns Jesus supposedly wore or there will retribution. Your cities, people and way of life will be forever changed once we step foot on your land and it's not always for the better.

I guess some people are cut out for the brutality and senselessness of war but I'm sure most are not. Personally, I think we should put the leaders of the countries who disagree with each other into a pit and let them fight it out. Gone are the days when the leader rode the lead horse and led his men into war. Now our leaders hide behind an oak desk and play with men and women's lives as if they were playing Monopoly. I can't even imagine what our new set of live casualties will be like when they return to this impoverished country they call home. There will be no jobs, health care or anyone who probably even gives a shit about their minds condition.

I'm so sad about this man, Bill. Bill, I hope your passed loved ones and G.I.'s you saw perish in the war, were there to help guide you towards a better life on the other side. I pray you have now found the peace that this country so ruthlessly ripped from you. You will be missed and you did touch the lives of others around you as I'm sure you will have the chance to do again. I never once realized the torment you were going through; you hid it well. Not like so many people who are ravaged by life's simplest tragedies that are common place to everyone's lives. You never whined, moaned or made others feel bad because of what you were personally going through. You handled it as they say "like a man". You may have felt weak but you were stronger than most people I know.

I guess the wars will continue and this country I love so dearly will continue to try to make everyone on the Earth like us. If we aren't fighting for money it's for religion, so I assume the brutality will live on. We've been fighting over who has the correct God for centuries and with all the bloodshed throughout those years we've learned nothing. I'm going to laugh if in the end we find out that the maker of this beautiful planet earth is nobody we thought it would be....Jesus isn't the one opening up the door when we knock. Imagine how many people are going to be shocked.

Give peace a chance......

Is Michael Dead or Alive?

When I read about the fuss that was happening because "OK" magazine out of Britain printed the picture of Michael Jackson dead or on life support, I couldn't wait to get to the supermarket and see the picture. I guess I probably could have found the picture on the internet if I'd wanted to look for it but I didn't. Still, I'll admit I couldn't wait to see what it looked like.

First thing Monday morning when I was in the supermarket I went to the "smut magazine" section (as my husband calls them) and searched for OK magazine. There he was...pasted on the front cover of the magazine. I'll admit I was a bit disappointed, only because I'm sick like that. For some reason he didn't look anything like I expected him to look. He looked alive. Yeah his eyes were closed but the man looked just like he did when he was alive.

I'm not sure what that says about the guy but I guess I expected to see some sort of sign the dude was dead. Then I got to thinking...if he looked that way dead, well, he must have looked dead while he was alive. I wasn't sure at that point that he really wasn't...I mean dead but still alive.

In the picture he almost looked like some freakish vampire that would open his eyes up at I stared at the paper and spit some type of killer funk on me. I mean his eye makeup was absolutely perfect for a guy who was just dead. It was almost like he'd had all his body parts glued on and his makeup done before deciding to O.D. I'm not really sure if the dude isn't some type of supernatural being from beyond the grave.

As I kept looking at him seeming to almost smile in the picture from beyond the grave, I wondered if he'd sold his soul to the devil and wasn't really gone at all. I thought about the Twilight Zone and all those people who had done so with terrible results. It seems Michael would have a different fate though. I couldn't believe all the hoopla that was taking place on T.V. this morning concerning his funeral. It was almost like Jesus had died. Thousands upon thousands of people are followers of this guy as if in some strange religious cult and the news paid ridiculous homage to this guy...as far as this old lady is concerned.

Maybe I'm just getting old and boring but I'd rather had heard something important that really might affect my life today. I mean the guy did have talent but I'm not sure he was deserving of being the main source of news for weeks. I guess that's how desperate our country and world has become that we'd take some freakish, suspected child molester who can dance and sing and turn him into a national hero. What will it be next..."Michael Jackson Holiday". If it's a paid vacation day I guess I'll take it.

I wonder if when he now sings "Man in the Mirror" can he still see himself? Just saying........

Dance Your Ass Off.....Or Not

I keep seeing previews of that new show "Dance Your Ass Off" for the past few weeks. In my channel surfing I haven't run across that show until tonight. Basically it's a show where fat people who are anywhere from 50 to over 100 pounds overweight want to lose weight and they'll do it by dancing and watching what they eat. The basic exercise plan seems to be dancing. It's kinda like "Dancing with the Stars Binging on Twinkies".

Basically, these poor fat fuckers get all dressed up in Lycra body suits that look like they've been designed by Liberachie. If not him, some transvestite had to be in the design process somewhere. These outfits are horrible for a fat person to wear and I'm a fat person so I know. 250 pound women have stretch midriff tops in canary yellow with streamers flying off them. I mean lets draw attention to the fat stomach.

Topping it off are the panel of judges. Give me a break! If a 250 pound woman can do two splits within a minute of each other, well, that bitch deserves a goddamn 10 if you ask me. I don't weigh 250 pounds and the last split I did was 25 years ago when I slipped on some soap in the bathtub. These people need to be given points for being willing to humiliate themselves in these horribly gaudy costumes they're forced to wear. Everyone I saw dance was doing a better job than the average skinny ass white person I know and I should know because I'm white. In fact come to think of it, most overweight people I know can move.

Personally, I'm glad to see more shows that show the average person walking the streets of American.....overweight but that can still shake a leg and don't give a damn and will wear costumes made for a person that's a size 5. Hell, just because a person is overweight doesn't mean that they don't have rhythm, don't like to dance and can't have fun. I'm so sick of shows that showcase these anorexic bitches with blond hair that look like their lips sucked on a hornets nest and lemon juice was squirted in their eyes. Who in the hell looks like that? You know if you see these type of people in real life you can't help but stare at them in disbelief. The fat people blend in because they're in the majority...OK, maybe the really, really fat people stick out.

This dance my ass off got me to thinking of the exercise plans that worked for me in the past--a past long, long ago. I hate planned exercising like walking, biking, jogging, weight lifting, yoga, Pilate's and I especially hate gyms. So it seems I hate all types of exercising, which is probably correct. All my weight loss regimes had dance included in them. I literally would "dance my ass off". Having your basic white girl flat ass, it wasn't too hard. It was my exercise plan and it worked quite well. I would dance for about an hour every day and the weight fell off. Of course this dancing was in the privacy of my home when I was alone but me and the dogs danced. I did so well I danced my flat white ass into an anorexic state.

Those days are well behind me and now my body looks like it's preserving itself for a nuclear winter. The show made me think about it though--I've stopped dancing of late. Somewhere 10 pounds have creeped upon my meatier white girl booty and I think it's because I've stopped my private dance sessions. I'm thinking about putting on my shiny bathing suit and wrapping some scarves around my waist and plugging in my Donna Summer CD. I've got some purple lipstick and black eyeliner too. Perhaps tomorrow me and the dogs will have a date to dance our asses off...or finally convince my husband I've lost my mind if he happens to walk in on us. I don't know, what do you think?

Alli - The Shit Your Pants Diet Plan

It cracks me up to think of the extremes some people will go through just to lose weight. This new Alli diet program really has me scratching my head. I wonder about all the women who are taking it (most of them in their 20s & 30s) and about the true intelligence of our government in allowing this product to be sold over the counter as a dietary aid. Just reading the package would steer me clear of the shit....no pun on words intended.

“You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it’s probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work.”
“You may not usually get gassy, but it’s a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens“

When I was in my 20s and 30s, worrying about shitting my pants or cutting a fart that would end in me feeling like a chocolate Easter bunny just melted in my drawers, was the last thing I wanted to do. If this was happening in my life, I stayed home. Jesus could have come to town and I'd been home sitting on the toilet, praying for it to end. Being a child of the 70s, if we wanted to shit our brains out to lose weight, we took a laxative and at a 16th of the cost! We also took speed, a real diet pill. You weren't hungry and you burned off 40,000 calories a day by moving at the speed of light. You also had the cleanest house on the block. Poof...the weight went away and you didn't have to buy a new wardrobe of drawers to wear because your old ones had poop stains in them, or because the diet plan calls for dark pants and you only own shorts or light colored ones.
My daughters friends tried Alli and their reports made me laugh till I thought I'd naturally shit my pants. Each one said they'd be standing in a check-out line and poop would suddenly start pouring down their legs. Farting became a nightmarish thing, because 99% of the time it meant you were going to have some more poop running down your legs. And sex...well that's a running subject all to its own. Who in the hell pays $50 to puposely have their poop pour down their legs in public and without a moments warning? Not women of the 70s, that's for sure.
And why in the hell would any government agency think that a product that makes a person shit their brains out like an organ grinder monkey dances for coins, would be good for you? So you're losing fat by pooping it out...I bet you'll also see your large intestine peeking its tubular head out and saying hello before long, along with its buddy Mr. Colon. Why would anybody want to go on a diet like this anyway? Most people I know who want to lose weight aren't going to be able to stick to a strictly lettuce diet anyway. I guess we could join a support group for women shitting and farting their weight away in one sitting.
And there is the key to the whole Alli diet. It basically intimidates you into eating right. It's like the Godfather of Shit comes to you and makes you a true offer you can't refuse and if you do...you're in a shit lot of trouble. You will only eat lettuce and you will like it, otherwise, have a shit explosion in public. I know I'm getting old and crazy, but it still seems to me taking speed would be so much better than shitting all the time. Just think of the clean homes this country would be full of...

The Country Should Miss Michael Jackson

The death of Michael Jackson got me to thinking. This guy was three months younger than I and had been a part of my life in some way since 6th grade. I remember dancing in the gym changing room to "Stop the Love You Save May Be Your Own". Everybody loved the Jackson Five. Even my parents would sit down and watch their show every week. It was a family affair. Of course, most of the girls I knew thought Jermaine was cuter.

The Jackson family is definitely blessed with talent that is for sure. Nobody black, white, green or purple will more than likely dispute this fact. Michael was gifted beyond what most ordinary people can probably even conceive. He also had a knack for business....at least most of his life. I'm sure everyone can name some singer they think is the greatest on earth, but I can only think of two in my lifetime that worked the industry in their favor and also won the fans...black and white. Elvis and Michael Jackson.

Both became quite rich off their careers and each was talented beyond the norm and the public loved them. Each man had an almost obsessive fan base that loved them normal, drunk, stoned or just plain weird. Each man lived a life that drastically changed over the years and it wasn't for the better. Michael whether disease ridden or not, didn't look anything like the Michael we loved in 6th grade when he died. He looked like some monster I watch in my weekly horror movies. Definitely not a man I'd leave my young child, husband, grandparents or pets around.

The majority of the United States pulled together through these Michael Jackson years, agreeing on something at last.....the dude was pretty fucked up looking, he acted pretty fucked up, his relationships with little boys seemed pretty fucked up and only a stoned person would believe they could live in a perpetual fairy tale, thus the name "Never never land"...he was fucked up!

Still, we as nation laughed together over these "white to whiter" years of Michael. Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, Asians and every nationality alike could laugh at the joke together. Children would show up at your door at Halloween sporting a rotted off Michael Jackson nose. He gave us something to enjoy together...a good laugh at someone else. No matter how righteous we try to make everyone think we are, we all love to laugh at someone else and their screwed up state and know everyone else is in on the joke too. We could do this with Michael Jackson--the nation was one. He did something the Democrats and Republicans have been trying to do for decades. I thought he was a freak but Michael you get my vote for being able to do this. Hell, he brought the North and the South together at last!

Regardless of his decaying face and life, the man could dance and sing. His song writing and choreography skills were amazing. I will miss him and the wait to hear his next song and to see if he ever straightened his life back out. I always was rooting for him, even if I was laughing my ass off with everyone else and thought he should definitely stay away from small boys. He will be missed and and a little laughter will be snubbed out of our world. I will also be left wondering...didn't he realize he was starting to look like a freak years ago and what in the hell was up with that nose?